Walking in Obedience

Sitting here now, I'm struck by how quickly my life has changed. We went from parents of two with a submitted adoption application and profile states away, to being foster parents to 6 month old twins. One of our baby's has been the victim Shaken Baby Syndrome. Both are premature and have their own issues that accompany that. We are taking a leap of the deep end. We know that in every way God has orchestrated this path. I know that He has called us here. 


I've thought so much about fear this past week. Fear and faith and obedience. Fear is the absence of faith. So often I've thought about Christ Jesus lately when the fear overtakes me. Not the fear of the situation at hand, but the fear of what if. What if this doesn't work? What if the birth parent's rights aren't terminated? What if we can't adopt them? What if my heart breaks? What if we take them, pull our adoption application, lose them, and are left empty handed? Those fears. But then I remember that this is where God has brought us. If you don't know and love my God, then you're probably rolling your eyes and thinking, yup, another wack job religious fanatic... whatever. But we know. There are times that knowledge brings me absolute encouragement and comfort. Other times it's a call, a call to obey. 


My husband and I were talking this morning, and he reminded me that Jesus didn't willingly go to the cross. He did it obediently. That's hard to swallow. He did it for the joy set before Him and He did it trusting, but He also was fully aware of how badly it was going to suck. Not just the physical pain, but the pain of the entire weight of humanity's sin and the incredible solitude and desperation of being separated from the Father. He knew that His heart would literally burst. But He trusted the Father and He did it obediently. 


I'm not saying that I'm doing this dreading it... no not by any means, I absolutely love holding my sweet girls. But, I know that I could lose my heart in doing it, and that thought makes me sick. It's in obedience that I continue. That I trust that my Father knows the beginning from the end. That He will prepare me for this, that He will walk me through this come whatever may. 


Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds. Hebrews 12:2-3

Refusing Fear

To want to serve God in some conditions, but not others, is to serve Him in your own way. But to put no limits on your submission to God is truly dying to yourself. This is how to worship God. Open yourself to God without measure. Let His life flow through you like a torrent. Fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself.  (Dangerous Surrender – Quote Francois Fenelon.)

I Cry Abba....

Ye have not received the spirit of bondage again unto fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry Abba, Father. Romans 8:15


Father, I'm trusting You now as I glimpse just a taste of the pain it cost you to adopt me, to ransom me from my sin. Even now, as I slip into the fear that the enemy seeks to put in my heart, I will remember You. I will cling to You and the promises You have given me. I know Your heart, You are my Father, I know Your will. I know Your love for me and for Your children. I will trust You, and even if when I can't find the strength to trust, I will obey. For the joy set before Him, Jesus endured the cross. Oh Father, help me to endure, help me to surrender to Your will.  Lord, keep Satan at bay... surround us with Your angels. I love You Lord. I love you Abba. 

Not My Will

The past couple of days I've been thinking a lot about what it means to surrender my will. I blogged about it on Monday, and the Lord keeps hitting me with reminders and encouragement.  A friend posted the following quote last night: ‎"What if your blessings come through raindrops; what is your healing comes through tears; what is a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?" I loved the quote and later found out that they were lyrics. More than the quote though I loved her comment: "I've had a hard time praying for things I want since everything happened with Maddox. Because I truly learned that my will is not always His will. He's taught me to pray ultimately for His will above all else because it is the best in every situation." Her words tore at my heart and my faith. You see Maddox is her dear, sweet son who passed away after spending a week on this earth. For her to be able to say those words truly challenges me. Can I trust God's will above everything else; over every expectation, hope, dream? What about when the outcome completely leaves me feeling crushed? It sounds like I'm being a complete downer, but really I'm encouraged by the truth and the promises that God will not leave us or forsake us.

Milestones: Graduation, pt.2

I thought I'd post some pics of our graduation. I loved putting it all together and coming up with ideas. I hope you enjoy the pics... let me know if you have any questions. 

Our candy bar: This was one of Kahli's only requests. I had so much fun getting this ready, although it was pretty pricey. Definitely watch for clearance items and coupons. Also, I'm a firm believer in planning in order to save money. Ask early what the color scheme (if any) will be, and watch for seasonal/holiday candy markdowns. 

We have friends who have severe nut allergies, so that was definitely a consideration. We obviously choose candies that didn't feature nuts, but most have at the very least been processed with them. So we made sure we had spoons for unwrapped candy to prevent cross contamination, and I drew up this little labels so our smaller guests would be aware of items that contained allergy warnings. 

The Dessert Table We also had a tons of sweets beside the candy bar. This was my first shot at working with fondant and while I wasn't completely pleased with the results, I don't think it came out horrible! I used this recipe for marshmallow fondant and was very pleased with the results. 

We also had cake pops... yay!!! They were so fun and the kids loved them. I used 

 a basic recipe from Bakearella, however we used devil's food cake instead of the red velvet. This tutorial helpful also. Instead of Bakearella has an awesome book out showcasing some adorable possibilities for these. You can see lots of fun ideas on her site also.  To display them I just used a block of florist foam (styrofoam would work too, just didn't have any.) 

Another thing we did was cupcakes. You can't tell from the picture very well but some were in black and white polka dot wrappers, and others were in a black and white swirly wrappers. We also used the cupcake pick kit from The Celebration Shoppe; this site and blog are incredible. I could seriously get addicted to having parties just looking at this site! We complemented the theme with polka dot and swirly beverage napkins from Target and tried to incorporate those designs into the cake. 

Lastly, for the dessert table I used a great idea from a dear (and talented) friend of mine. We put down a disposable tablecloth and randomly placed some of our favorite photos of Kahli on it. Lastly I covered it with thin clear vinyl that I got in the fabric section of Walmart. This would be a great idea for birthdays or anniversaries too. People loved looking at the photos and some of old school papers of hers. 

 

One final thing that I'll share are our pom pom's! I love, love, love these. So cheap and so stinkin' cute. They now reside in Kahli's newly redecorated bedroom and we're hanging a few over Z's changing table. The color and pattern options are endless! There are tons of tutorials online so I'll leave you to check those out. Really, stinkin' easy. 

I'll leave you with some pics of our friends and family visiting. I wish I had took more pictures of the little details and the guests. I always question whether to run around snapping up photos, or to truly just enjoy being with everyone. It seems like sometimes when the camera is brought out people get nervous and guarded. It was a great day though and one we won't ever forget. There was plenty of food to go around and it really came together with very little stress for me.  One last thing we did was to run a slideshow in the living room with childhood photos of Kahli. I'll upload that at a later date. 

Thanks for looking at these photos, I hope they inspire you a bit. Max is already planning his 8th grade graduation (which is three years away.) It will look markedly different as he wants a orange and black skeet shooting theme! He apparently has the party bug too though as he requested black and orange whoopie pies to mimic the skeet. Oh boy! 

Milestones: Graduation, pt.1

What a weekend! My girl did it... she graduated. It's unbelievable how quickly she went from this:

to this:

You momma's to little ones, you'll hear all the time that it goes by so quickly. You'll not your head in acknowledgement, and quietly you'll think you'll grab every minute and it will be different for you. That's what I thought. But time like so many other things sneaks up on you.

We are so proud of our girl. She is such an incredible woman. She loves the Lord. She loves her family. She loves her friends.

She is funny. She is compassionate. She is artistic. She loves to laugh. Loudly. She loves music (and her iPod.) She is an incredible teacher. She has incredible patience.

She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She has a sense of humor that takes it's time. She may not crack jokes left and right, but when she does... baby, prepare yourself, it's gonna be a good one.

Where will she go from here? Who knows?! The future is bright, and most importantly she's seeking the Lord for His direction.

I shared on Facebook that 18 years ago next month a 17 year old girl knelt before an altar and made an ultimatum to God. You see after making an appointment for an abortion, this girl's dad left a simple Post It note on Psalm 127:14-17 and wrote three little words that would change my life, and my daughter's life: "think about it." Kneeling before that altar, I told God that I would keep this baby but that He would have to provide. He has never let us down. When I have been faithless, He has been faithful. She has always been surrounded by people who love God, and point her to Him.

Kahli, we are so proud of you and love you so much. And to us... baby you are the world!

Just the FAQ's Ma'am!

We have had a lot of people ask us the same questions, so I thought I would put together a  FAQ (frequently asked questions) section on our blog. We love to answer the questions and talk about our adoption so please don't hesitate. However, we thought we'd stick up these questions just in case. 

How old is the child you are adopting? We are adopting a newborn!

Do we know who it is? Nope, not yet. But God does. Our adoption is a semi-open one and our birthmom looks at various profiles that match up with the criteria they have (ie. whether she wants a couple with children, etc.), and then picks the couple that she feels will be best to parent her child. 

Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl? Nopers... we were going to specify a gender, but decided that if we were pregnant we would have no say in the matter. Once again, it comes down to knowing that God has an absolute plan, and knows every detail!

Do you have names picked out? Yes! If we are blessed with a little girl she will be Zoiey Elizabeth. Elizabeth is after my mother-in-law's middle name. Zoiey, a variant of Zoe, means "life." I have always loved the name Zoiey, in fact when I was young I "planned"  on having twin girls (with Jon Bon Jovi) and naming them Zoe and Chloe... yup... dork. So, not only do we love the name, but we love the meaning, especially given that the our mom is choosing life. 

If we are blessed with a boy, we will name him Ezekiel Scott. Scott is after my dad. We will calling little Ezekiel "Zeke" for short. The name Ezekiel means "strength of God," and Ezekiel is also one of Dane's favorite prophets. 

So for now we are simply referring to our little one as Baby Z! 

When will we get the baby? We don't know. We've been told to expect six months but that it could be sooner. The longest it has taken to receive a referral in the African American program was 8 months. The nature of the matching process means that we could be picked at any time, it isn't necessarily first come- first serve. If for some reason we aren't matched up and there is a birthmom who chooses not to personally pick a couple, the agency will pick, and usually goes with a family that meets match criteria and has been waiting the longest. 

Where are we adopting from? We are doing a domestic adoption out of Michigan, possibly the Detroit area. 

Will we have to go to Michigan? Yes.

How long will we be gone? Anywhere from a week to a month, it all depends on the court system. First off we have to have our adoption hearing, then we wait on the judge to sign that. After that we get custody of our baby, but than we have to remain in Michigan until we have our interstate hearing and order signed so that we can bring our baby home!

Will the baby have health problems? One of the forms that we had to fill out was one that discussed what (if any) health conditions we are willing to accept. Also on the form was what level and types of substance abuse we are open to. I won't go into the specifics, however since the beginning of this journey we have been praying for our baby and for our birth mom. We completely believe that the Lord can and will take care of our little one. Psalm 139:14-16 says:  

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought int he lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. 

We completely believe that the Lord knows every detail of little Z's being and we will trust that He has a wonderful purpose.  

Will we meet the birthmom? That is completely up to her. We would absolutely love to meet her and be able to thank her for the gift she's giving us and tell her how very proud we are of her. We can not imagine the love that she has for her baby. Also, we would love to be able to share the details of meeting her with Z. One of the things we totally loved during our journey was the adoption education. We had to read an incredible book called Dear Birthmother. It gave us such a new outlook on adoption and on birthmothers in general. Definitely a book I would recommend for all those involved in adoption, a heart for adoption, or really anyone! 

How much will this cost? $24000, more or less. Hopefully less, but most like more. That doesn't include the travel costs. We have been raising money through selling our Unto One wristbands, we raised almost $900 in our yard sale, and have been blessed by friends in helping with our costs. Lastly, we have applied for various grants as well as a low-interest adoption loan. We know that ultimately God will provide for every detail. Also, we are praying that the Adoption Tax Credit will be renewed for another year. This provides a $13,000 tax rebate for families who adopt. 

So, that's all I can think of for the questions we have been asked. If there are more that you're interested in having answered please leave them in the comments. 

The Ache

The past few days I have ached. Not a physical ache, but rather a deep gut ache. An aching from knowing there is a missing piece. An ache to meet our precious baby. Don't confuse the ache was anxiousness or impatience. I know that God's timing is perfect and that He will and has directed every step of this. It's the ache of an expectant mom, it's the same feeling I felt with Kahl and Max; dreaming about them, wondering what they'll look like, be like. 


The ache goes farther lately though. It's an ache that demands a response. My mind keeps going to all the other orphans out there. I think about them. I wonder about the road that God has planned for us. We know without a shadow of a doubt that this adoption isn't the destination, it's the beginning. This morning I have been thinking about what I am willing to give up. What dreams, what rights, what possessions, what mindsets I am willing to shatter. In as much as I wonder what Z will be like, I have to wonder where this journey takes us. Is it ministering to women who are dealing with unexpected pregnancies? Will it mean a foreign land? The thought makes me shutter in fear and anticipation. And it brings me back to the question again, what would I be willing to give up. 


I know so many don't understand. I know family member's don't understand this. They look at our lives and see the things we "don't have," I see the things we "do have." I see the things that are so important to us: faith, family, friends. I see an abundance, not a lack. I know that their concern comes from love, but I think in the same way our boldness in following God comes from knowing His love, and knowing His love is even greater for us than theirs. I don't think of this adoption as being a huge leap of faith, well not until I see the financial obligation breakdown; I just think of it as following each step that the Lord brings to us. Even as a type this I'm watching a report on families who have invested in the housing market for financial security... how'd that pan out. These people have incredible homes that they can't afford and that are going to lose everything.  I think of the verse in Psalms 20:7: Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Our trust is in God, that He knows the beginning from the end. We know He knows our hearts. It amazes me that some people want us to disobey that for security. The funny thing is, it's the "safety net" of security in such a prosperous country that has put almost an ignorance to accomplishing God's will in our hearts. The "American Dream" has somehow replaced walking in faith. Is there room for God's will in my "dream"? My "life plan"? My "retirement plan"? I ask these questions of myself and of you. What will I give up? What am I willing to give up to follow Christ? Would I be willing to sell it all? Give it all away?  


The ache. The ache for our baby. The ache for the journey. The ache to see what the Lord has for us.  


EVERYDAY ETERNITY from Take No Glory

I’m not going anywhere
Unless You lead the way.
I’m not living tomorrow
Unless You plan my day.
I’m not really breathing
Unless You breathe through me.
I’m not living for anything
If it’s not for eternity.

Help me live everyday
Fixed on eternity.
Help me keep pressing on
For the crown of victory

Seasons

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1 


Seasons ending:

Season's beginning: 

 Today was a time to laugh
 a time to rejoice
 a time to dance
 a time to heal
 a time to embrace
 a time to love.

You're Gonna Miss This

 Those who know me, know that I have been an emotional wreck the past week or so. There is so much going on in our lives that I guess I just don't know how to process it all. We are adopting... duh... just in case that  wasn't obvious. Our daughter is graduating from high school. Our niece is also graduating from high school (1,350 miles away.) Our dear friends are holding a baby shower for us this weekend.  The last two events are wonderful things, however met with a bittersweet edge. You see I will not be able to attend my niece's graduation, and her mom (my bestest friend... and sister-in-law) will not be able to make it to my baby shower. While I'm so happy about both events, my heart so deeply weeps that there are missing pieces to both. I think beyond just the missing, there are so many emotions due to the fact that we have been best friends since Gab (my niece) and Kahli were itty-bitties. We've been through so much, and it is so weird to be at the end of a chapter together (but separate.)

And that leads to my next wave of emotion... how quickly the past 17 years have passed. How did it happen? Where did time go? Being a young mom makes it even more weird to me. Kahli is the age I was when I had her. I can't put it in to words, but it's such a weird feeling to hit this mark. She has been with me for half my life. Her life has gone by so quickly, and it makes me realize how very young I was when I had her. I guess in my emotional state I've been thinking a lot about that lately too. Getting older... not in a oh my word I'm so old way. But in a way that it amazes me how quickly this life zooms by. There are so many moments that we think we'll hold on to forever, but time goes by and they're gone. A friend shared a quote with me last night from Ann Voskamp that resonates with me today as we come to a crossroad of journeys ending and journeys beginning: the only way to stop time is to be present in it. And it's true, I can't redo yesterday, and worrying/planning/thinking about tomorrow is fruitless. Right now, this is all I have. This moment to live in. To hold, To cherish. 

Like most of my ramblings I have no idea if this makes sense. Maybe it's just that I needed to get it all out. I feel like the past few years have been such a new chapter in our lives, so many changes, and maybe they are all just catching up to me now.

They're good changes... wonderful changes... but sometimes I just wish I could go back: to snuggling my little girl, lunch dates at Olive Garden.... just for a moment. It makes me think of the song, You're Gonna Miss This.... we're always in such a rush for tomorrow, but one day, I'm going to miss this very moment too.

They've Arrived!

On a whim I checked the tracking on our profiles even though I didn't expect them to make it to Michigan til the end of the week. SURPRISE!!! They were delivered to our agency at 11:07 this morning.