While I'm Waiting

Just an update we are scheduled for the first of two home study interviews this weekend. So excited to be completing one more step. I was watching a few Gotcha Day videos on youtube this evening and one of them used a song I had forgotten about. I first heard this song after Dane's V-Reversal and was challenged by it, and reminded that my first priority is to serve God. No matter what I'm hoping or waiting for, I have calling (and you do too) that I need to be fulfilling. I hope this song blesses you whatever it may be you're waiting for.

While I'm Waiting-- John Waller


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Lead Me

Dropping the kids off this morning the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real came on and it just gelled with my heart this morning. I woke up the same way I do each morning, with my husband coming into our bedroom and asking if I'm going to get up this morning. But unlike every morning he got back in bed and laid there and chatted for a while. It was a great talk, one of those talks I'll always remember.

I am so thankful for my husband and for the man he is. He is so different now than he was when we met 14 years ago. God has truly transformed him. And me. I am so thankful that Dane leads our family. That he leads me. There are times when I hate it, and I want to be the leader and have MY way. However, there are so many times I am so thankful that it's not up to me, that Dane is the one who gets to make the decisions. I'm not a super emotional person, but like most ladies I think I tend to go more by me feelings. My husband, while not completely bullheaded and rogue tends to go more by logic. I am thankful for that, especially during the times when I simply want to react. 

Just about a year ago we began having a problem with one of our dogs. She suddenly began viciously attacking our other dog. The one attacking, Bella,  was the younger of the two and had always grown up w/ Maizie so this new behavior was completely unexplainable. We kept them separated for over two months and had Bella set up for obedience training. Then one night Max accidentally let them together and a dog fight broke out. My incredible son got in the middle of it and rescued Maizie while taking a number of (shallow) bites to his arm. I knew at that moment that we needed to have Bella put down, but I hated to do it. At this point in the story you would expect the next sentence to read: enter Dane. However, Dane was thousands of miles away in Honduras. I was able to get a hold of him for about 30 seconds and explain the situation and he said yes, have her put down. That was the end of the conversation. The next day I fretted and doubted the decision. I questioned whether Dane knew all the facts and if there was something different we could do. Then finally the Lord whispered to me one of the most important things I have had to learn as a wife. My Heavenly Father reminded me that I don't need to give Dane all the facts, and I don't need to have Dane explain everything to me. Why? Because Dane has already gone to God for wisdom. I know that my husband seeks the Lord every single morning. He gets up at such an insanely early hour to spend time reading the Bible and praying for so many that he loves. I know that my husband hears from God and is led by Him, and I love that. 

When we were first saved I knew the need for Dane to lead and to hear from God, but I hated it and therefore treated it like a little brat. I remember saying to him one time, "fine, I'll do it but if you mess up God's gonna judge you for it!" What a rotten brat I was! I used the fact that God has commanded Dane to follow Him and His son's example and lead us as a threat against him. Rather than seeing that the heaviness and the weight that it placed on my husband's shoulders to lead us, and to love us the same way Christ loves the church. As much as I'd like to sugar coat it, I'm sure I'm not always the most lovable gal around, but he does it. 

He loves me, he loves our children, and he leads us because he allows God to lead him. 

Lead Me-- Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

The Calm...

Slow going... it feels like we are in limbo right now with so many things pulling for attention. We're moving forward, but with things that seem unrelated. Right now we're waiting for the home study to begin. All of our paperwork is in, but our caseworker is finishing up with some other clients right now. So in the meantime, I'm getting our home in tip top shape with some spring cleaning, purging stuff and putting it in our yard sale pile, and they to make it all just a little bit more fun some redecorating/painting. We are looking at some busy months coming up, and not simply because of the adoption. One of the thing we get to look forward to is the graduation of Kahli! How can it be that!? I am so proud of her and amazed by how quickly time has gone by. So that's what's going on now... we are waiting, and doing the things we can and need to do. In a way I feel like we're in the calm before the storm (and I don't mean storm as in bad, but storm of business rather), so I'm just working doing what I can and trusting God with the rest. Our hope is that we will hear from our home study case worker within the next week or two. Please be praying that everything moves along in a timely fashion and that the Lord would prepare our hearts for whatever comes.

My Happy Song

I love, love, love this song. It just makes me giddy.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

Thoughts on Financing Our Adoption

Just a few words on funding our adoption. We completely know that the Lord has called us to this, and that He will provide for it in incredible ways. We also know that part of our obedience in following Him is going to be financial sacrifices and choices. As soon as our home study is completed we will begin applying for grants, and will most likely end up having to take out a loan to finish financing our adoption. Adopting is a financial commitment, but so isn't buying a new car or going on a family vacation. For us though, right now, this is the priority the commitment we are choosing to embrace. We do feel though that it is good to try and raise funds for this adoption for two different reasons. First, the cost of adopting is HUGE and we don't have the money to commit to this; secondly, we want to provide others opportunities to be part of our adoption. We know that many of you are supporting us through prayers and we are most grateful for that! However, some of you may feel led or just desire to help us financially, and for that we are also appreciative.

A couple ideas we have right now are a yard sale sometime in May, if you're interested in donating (please be considerate in the things you donate, as tactfully as I can say it we don't want junk that you know no one in there right mind is going to buy, lol... no empty cool whip containers.) Also, we are considering selling adoption themed clothing/merchandise that we will receive a generous portion from the profits. You can see some of the options we may offer at My Crazy Adoption. Also, many of you know I am a Pampered Chef consultant (according to company policy I can't link to my site, but if you are interested, let me know) and all money I make from my business goes straight to adoption costs. I actually am thinking about doing a fundraiser show sometime this summer for anyone interested. Lastly, one other thing I will through out there is that I love, love, love to cook, and if you are interested in having me bake something special, or prepare a meal for you and your family, let me know and we could definitely come up with some ideas.

So, we won't be BEGGING for money, but I did want to throw these things out there and once again ask that my brothers and sisters in Christ be praying for us during this journey.

Eyes On The Prize

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:14

I am an all or nothing type of girl. I set my mind on something and I'm obsessed. That becomes my top priority. A few days ago I posted a link on Facebook to a blog guest blog post over at My Crazy Adoption. In a nutshell it warns against letting adoption/orphan care become our idol. Our women's bible study is working our way through Philippians, and this week we were in chapter 3, verses 12-end. It made me think of this article. My focus has been on adoption so much lately and getting things ready that I admittedly have let certain things go. There is even a temptation to not want to serve in ministry because "I need to be focussed on the adoption." This journey isn't a replacement for everything else God has planned and is doing in our family. It's not a spiritual etch-a-sketch that I can shake clean to draw a new picture.

My focus in this journey, and always needs to be on Christ. Paul uses the phrase "press on" in describing our walk as Christians. To press on shows effort and struggle. It's a choice. I think about exercise, once the burn begins I can press on through the pain for the satisfaction of the results, OR I can step off the treadmill. The same way in our walk, we can press on through the struggles, and yes through the pain or we can step off: we can remain stagnant and just stop moving forward. I want to press on! I want to see all that the Lord has for me! I want to see my savior face to face! I want to hear my Creator say "well done good and faithful servant!" One of my favorite quotes from the post is this one:

Our adoption journeys/orphan ministries are walks to which Jesus invites us for the growing of our own once-orphaned-hearts; a journey to give us a better bond and healthier attachment to our Savior, our Redeemer, our adoptive Father and Friend. You see, when Paul said, “run the race as to win the prize” he wasn’t talking about an orphan. He was talking about Jesus. Jesus is the prize. Run the race with both eyes set on him. Follow him and you will run the race well.

And that is the point: following Christ keeping our eyes on him not matter what leg of the race we're on. And just to clarify, this doesn't just go for those of us on the adoption journey. We can put so many things in the place of God: our family, our jobs, even ministry!  I pray that you really take the chance to read Cindy's post, I know you will be blessed.

Amazed

So today is the day that we send out our home study packet along with another check for $700. We have the money for this, but it definitely is still a step in obedience. So.... I just went to the post office to get our mail, and there was a card from our adoption agency with the check we sent them, for $700, with our preliminary application. Apparently, along with waiving the trip to Michigan, the also waived the initial fee! Although we weren't in a situation of desperation to come up with the money for the next step, this was still a huge God pat: my term for when God sends those little things in your path like a pat on the back to say, "go ahead, I'm right here". Thank You Lord! Your love for You children is beyond my comprehension!

You Are More

I've been thinking and praying about our baby's mother a lot lately. Wondering what is happening in her life, wondering what may have happened, or rather what is to happen. It's weird knowing the outcome of a situation, but  not knowing the timeline or the details. I've been in her shoes though, I know the decisions she will make, and the anguish realizing that her choice will be one for a lifetime. I pray that through all of this she knows that there is One who loves her so very much and Who can take all the pain away. I pray that God will give her such a sense of peace and comfort during these months ahead, and the years after.

Oh, dear woman, you are loved and you are cherished so very much. And you are going to do something so very selfless out of such an outpouring of love for your child, and we will never be able to thank you enough.

There's a girl in the corner 

With tear stains on her eyes 
From the places she's wandered 
And the shame she can't hide 

She says, "How did I get here? 
I'm not who I once was. 
And I'm crippled by the fear 
That I've fallen too far to love" 

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling 
That it's not true tonight 

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try 

But don't you know who you are? 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 


You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

You've been remade 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade. 
You've been remade.

Battling the Whys

Recently a good friend shared our story and shared how hard it was for him to see families so desperately wanting a child or more children, while watching others choose to abort their babies, or simply "undeserving" (my word) to be parents. He shared how the Lord answered him through our adoption plan; that God said no, because otherwise we may not be adopting the baby that we are. It is a question I've wrestled with countless times over the past eleven years.

Why?

Why not us?

Why them?

Why, Lord, why?

I don't know if there's a clear cut answer why. 

Why do I have to feed the dog again?

Why do I have to hang my clothes up?

Why ? Why? Why?

Because I say so that's why. Why? Because I am your mother and I know what's best for you.  Why? Because I am the one who will stand before God and give an account. Why? Because I said so and you just need to trust me. 

For me it's been much wiser not to delve into the why's when it comes to God. Quite simply because it is impossible and illogical for me to stand there shaking my fist at the God who sees the past, present, and future and demand a reason for why I am not getting what I want now. I think of the times I have tried to surprise my children, and while heading to the surprise they complain the whole time. I just want to scream, and truth be told I have:  "I'm trying to surprise you but you just ruined the whole stupid thing because you just won't be quiet and stop complaining. Do you ever stop to think that I have a plan, and that maybe I'm trying to bless you?!" In the same way, I know God has a perfect plan for me and for our family, yet I can complain the whole time because I don't like how things seem right now. 

Not to say that we should skip through life simply because we know all things will work together (Romans 8:28), but in a way we should. We know the story, we know the ending. But the fact is just as Solomon wrote there is a time to laugh and a time cry, even a time to mourn. Suffering and sadness is part of this life, although it was never a part of God's plan for us. One thing that's been mentioned to me recently by my husband and a close friend is that God never made us to suffer or to know loss. We weren't created with death in mind, we were created to live in the absence the sin and in the presence and in communion with God. Certainly not what the  live that we live on this side of eternity. 

So how do we reconcile the whys? For me, it's simply trusting and holding fast to God's promises to me. There are promises I know He has spoken directly to me, and there are promises in His word that I cling to. And the other part is taking our my thoughts captive. 2 Corinthians 10 says:

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. 

I have truly had to practice this verse so much, especially after having our vasectomy reversal, and completely expecting an immediate pregnancy. When I take questioning why to the point of questioning God's sovereignty I've gone to far. I think asking why is normal, but really moving to the point of questioning God's love for us and whether he really knows what is best is going too far. God's word is true, His promises are sure, and His knowledge is beyond measure. When Paul writes, "every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God," I am reminded once again that knowing God has to be my top priority (see Philippians 2), because that will help my entire world view be clear. To question God's sovereignty is to deny who I know God is, so therefore I need bring each one of those thoughts into captivity (as I once said tie them up in a bundle and bring them to Christ, don't spread 'em all out on the kitchen table, lol.)

It's hard not to question why, especially when it's about the big things. Why can't I get pregnant? Why has my child pass away? Why am I having to battle cancer? Why God? But that's when we need to know God's Word more than ever, we need to bathe in His promises and in the knowledge of who He is. We need to practice the discipline of being in control of our thoughts, and not allowing our thoughts and emotions to lead us in to the dark place. God is so much bigger than our current situation, any of our current situations. Jesus conquered the grave, is anything to hard for Him? In closing, one of my favorite quotes that always puts things into perspective for me is, "His past faithfulness demands my present trust." Hindsight is 20/20, and in it I see all the times I have questioned and fretted not being able to see where I stand now.

If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. 2 Timothy 2:13

The "Plan"

So, apparently in my excitement I have been a little vague, so I thought I would take a chance to share our hearts. As mentioned in our announcement post for years we have wanted more children. Adoption always seemed like an incredible option, but just not the one for us. I loved watched friends and strangers document their adoption journeys. I was encouraged by so many miracles done on their behalf, and would always share it with Dane. But once again, it just wasn't the calling we felt. In fact, I think we were almost more guarded about it, because face it: we wanted another child, and adoption gives you one. But knowing that we knew that God would have to make it completely obvious to us if we were to ever move forward with adoption.

Well, that's exactly what happened. On January 1st our niece shared with us a need to adopt a yet to be born little boy. We immediately jumped at it, and began praying fervently for him and for his mother. Fast forward, and as it stands right now God is doing a work in that mother's heart and she is fighting to straighten her life out and raise her son. 

However, we fell in love with that little boy, simply by investing in him through prayer, and we knew that the Lord was whispering to our hearts. So much about it felt absolutely right and we made the decision to move forward as long as the Lord opened the doors. We decided to work with Adoption Associates out of Michigan because we have a number of friends who have used them. We are joining the African American infant program and Lord willing we'll be adding to our family sometime with the next 15 months (hopefully sooner)! 

I also felt like I have to give an answer as to why we are doing a domestic adoption versus international. I guess the answer is two fold. First, the wait time and cost can be less; and secondly, because I have been that mom. At seventeen, I was faced with the decision of raising my baby, aborting her, or putting up for adoption.  For me the choice was raising her. But I remember thinking that I simply wanted a "do over." I knew that whatever choice I made it would be permanent, and it having to make a choice was inevitable. It feels so full circle to be in the position of offering one of those options to another mom. I can not imagine the love, selflessness, and courage our baby's mother is going to have in order to give us our baby. Mind blowing. In 2008, there were 1.21 million abortions in the US. That number is staggering. 1.21 million babies gone. Over a million women making a life changing decision that they will have to wrestle with for the rest of their lives. Our baby will not be one of those statistics. Even now my heart goes out to our birthmother. Sometime soon she will be making what will undoubtedly be the most difficult decision of her life. She is constantly in my prayers. Please pray for her too if you think of it.

So this is our story, our plan... of course God will be the One to direct our steps. But we are so hopeful and excited, and so clear that this is where the Lord is leading us right now. There are so many unknowns for us, and I am reminded to simply do what comes next and not get overwhelmed by the big picture. One last thing, we are so excited to see how God uses this in YOUR life! What? In MY life you say?! Absolutely, as I mentioned before I have been so encouraged by other people's stories, and we pray that others are encouraged by ours. We want to see others (especially those who live in our area) take this journey with us, we want to see others make the choice to step out in faith if the Lord is calling them to adopt. One verse that was mentioned to me by a friend when we started this journey was Matthew 25:40: 

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me.

Read that carefully... inasmuch as ye have done it UNTO ONE of the least of these... Even just to ONE and we have done it to Christ. That amazes me. We have the opportunity to serve and minister to our King by taking care of ONE of the least. What a privilege!

Praise God!

Just got the call from our adoption agency and they have waived the required trip to Michigan! Praise God. We will send in all of our home study paperwork Tuesday of next week (Lord willing) and go from there! Thank you Lord and thank you for all of your prayers!