The Ache

The past few days I have ached. Not a physical ache, but rather a deep gut ache. An aching from knowing there is a missing piece. An ache to meet our precious baby. Don't confuse the ache was anxiousness or impatience. I know that God's timing is perfect and that He will and has directed every step of this. It's the ache of an expectant mom, it's the same feeling I felt with Kahl and Max; dreaming about them, wondering what they'll look like, be like. 


The ache goes farther lately though. It's an ache that demands a response. My mind keeps going to all the other orphans out there. I think about them. I wonder about the road that God has planned for us. We know without a shadow of a doubt that this adoption isn't the destination, it's the beginning. This morning I have been thinking about what I am willing to give up. What dreams, what rights, what possessions, what mindsets I am willing to shatter. In as much as I wonder what Z will be like, I have to wonder where this journey takes us. Is it ministering to women who are dealing with unexpected pregnancies? Will it mean a foreign land? The thought makes me shutter in fear and anticipation. And it brings me back to the question again, what would I be willing to give up. 


I know so many don't understand. I know family member's don't understand this. They look at our lives and see the things we "don't have," I see the things we "do have." I see the things that are so important to us: faith, family, friends. I see an abundance, not a lack. I know that their concern comes from love, but I think in the same way our boldness in following God comes from knowing His love, and knowing His love is even greater for us than theirs. I don't think of this adoption as being a huge leap of faith, well not until I see the financial obligation breakdown; I just think of it as following each step that the Lord brings to us. Even as a type this I'm watching a report on families who have invested in the housing market for financial security... how'd that pan out. These people have incredible homes that they can't afford and that are going to lose everything.  I think of the verse in Psalms 20:7: Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Our trust is in God, that He knows the beginning from the end. We know He knows our hearts. It amazes me that some people want us to disobey that for security. The funny thing is, it's the "safety net" of security in such a prosperous country that has put almost an ignorance to accomplishing God's will in our hearts. The "American Dream" has somehow replaced walking in faith. Is there room for God's will in my "dream"? My "life plan"? My "retirement plan"? I ask these questions of myself and of you. What will I give up? What am I willing to give up to follow Christ? Would I be willing to sell it all? Give it all away?  


The ache. The ache for our baby. The ache for the journey. The ache to see what the Lord has for us.  


EVERYDAY ETERNITY from Take No Glory

I’m not going anywhere
Unless You lead the way.
I’m not living tomorrow
Unless You plan my day.
I’m not really breathing
Unless You breathe through me.
I’m not living for anything
If it’s not for eternity.

Help me live everyday
Fixed on eternity.
Help me keep pressing on
For the crown of victory