The Nitty Gritty

It's been a rough week. Not a bad week... but a rough week. This is one of those all out there posts, because quite frankly in parenting blogs, and adoption and foster care blogs especially sometimes I feel like there is a glossiness that is portrayed. Not that I believe in airing all my dirty laundry... quite literally why I don't have a clothesline... really no one needs to see my skivvies blowing in the wind. But I digress... last week we took in two more kiddos ages 2  (as of this week) and 4. So that brings our grand total at home to one 13 year old, one 4 year old, and THREE 2 year olds. "What's two more?" I said. "I've made it through twins!" I said. It will be like a little perfect preschool my mind said, picturing glistening wood floors and cozy reading corners. Montessori shelves with faceless Waldorf dolls and blocks... wood blocks. All the things that Pinterest says preschool parenting should look like... right? Well... it isn't. It's chaos. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself breaking down in tears at least once an hour day. And I'm hormonal. In the words of my 13 year old... "What were you thinking taking kids in when you're PMSing?!" Wise that one is.

And you, know I can't blame it on one child or the other. None of them are horrible. Well maybe one particular daughter of mine who has decided to fully launch into temper tantrums and use her new found potty skills as a way to escape the cell  living room playroom. What a threat: "Mom... I have to pee!!!!" Hidden two year old translation: "Mom..... I know I have just peed.... five times in ten minutes... but I may just need to pee again... or worse... and really, do you want to clean all that up?" It's like a toddler game of chicken that I'm doomed to repeat over and over and over....

I want to throw in the corner. I called one my best adoption mama yesterday. I can't do it. She reminded me of the stuff I knew. It's been a week. This is your ministry. You'd kick yourself later. Then the words of wisdom from a mom of nine... "Did you think adding a toddler and preschooler to the mix would be easy? Enjoyable? Pleasant?" I think I did, I got blinded by the pretty thoughts of how it would be. And darnit all, it's hard. It's draining. But I know that this is what our family is called to, this is our passion. So, I will plug a way, honestly it's the only fair thing to do. I'm not saying it's wrong to decide a kiddo(s) isn't a good fit.. we've done that too and don't regret it at all. But, I think a week (THE week) isn't fair to any of my kids. We need to adjust. There are growing pains, very real ones, and the lovely "Gotcha Day" videos don't show that. And I just needed to be real. Just in case you're struggling too.

This morning I read Psalm 19 and the following led to a big 'ol prayer written right there and dated (one of those stones we pile up).

The law of the Lord is perfect,

reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure,

making wise the simple;

the precepts of the Lord are right,

rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure,

enlightening the eyes;

the fear of the Lord is clean,

enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true,

and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold,

even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey

and drippings of the honeycomb.

Moreover, by them is your servant warned; 

in keeping them there is great reward.

The italic/bold sections are the parts that hit me. During this battle, during the chaos I need His words to guide me. To revive me, to give me joy, to enlighten my eyes and give me truth.

UPDATE- After posting the link to this post on FB and commenting that, " it just bugs me a little because you see all the happy happy sometimes, and then you feel like you're doing something wrong because it's not all roses and Steven Curtis Chapman song." My sweet friend Shannon posted this link to Jen Hatmaker's blog: After the Airport. I think she was at Summit last year, super hoping she's at it this year too... I have to laugh that I'm so stalkerish on all these adoption mamas, lol. OK... now back to the trenches, I'm sure there's a puddle of pee somewhere to clean up.