He Is With Us...

I'm writing this post not so much because I want to, but rather because in faith I need to. I know that someday I will look back and this post I probably will have forgotten the details. I'll look back knowing the everything worked out just right, and being able to see the hand of God in every detail of this adoption. Right now though, I am wrestling with fretting, and fear, and disappointment. I've been so excited as we are ready to submit our home study and our profile (for birthmom's to look at) and I just found out that we may need to be fingerprinted before we can proceed, AND that there is a significant wait for that. I've already been wrestling with fears of being disappointed after a rude and tactless comment was made to me a few days ago. This just was the last thing I needed to here. Last night I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I know for those of you just watching the adoption part of our story you think we've only been waiting for a few months. However, we've been waiting for a baby for years and this just seems like one more no (I know it's not... but it feels that way.)

So after taking a shower... and sobbing... I stepped out of the shower and read a quote I had wrote on our chalkboard wall:

To want to serve God in some conditions, but not others, is to serve Him in your own way. But to put no limits on your submission to God is truly dying to yourself. This is how to worship God. Open yourself to God without measure. Let His life flow through you like a torrent. Fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself.  (Dangerous Surrender – Quote Francois Fenelon.)

I read it at My Crazy Adoption a month or so ago, and loved it. The end of it struck me last night... I can't just pull out my submitting to God's will because I don't like what's happening. I have to surrender to what He wants to do. The end of the quote is truly incredible : fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself. It was just the reminder I needed.

When I went up to bed I remembered the verse the Lord had gave me at the beginning of this journey. I held to it, but hated it because it pointed to troubles along the way, and quite frankly I don't want to think about that. I want to believe this adoption will be straight out of a Hallmark commercial. The verse? Isaiah 43:2:

When you pass through the waters, I [will be] with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. 

I decide to keep reading:

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will gather you and your children from east and west. I will say to the north and south, "Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel from the distant corners of the earth.

So obviously there is the context of God speaking to Israel, but hello?! They are the nation that wasn't. If God could bring them together, I have no doubt He will bring our family together. So for now, it looks like we are headed to New Hampshire to get digital fingerprints and then submit them to the FBI. Please, please, please be praying that this goes smoothly and that the FBI would process everything in a timely manner. And please, pray for my heart. I know God has already written this story, but it's easy to become inpatient and so fragile and sensitive to negativity. God's timing is perfect, and I know He will work this out and this will all be a reflection of His glory.

And to the future me, when you reread this while holding your sweet baby, remember His faithfulness.


Update: Praise God! We won't need fingerprinting after all. This whole thing makes me frustrated with myself and my lack of faith. I truly pray that I would keep my focus on God through this whole thing, and not get caught up in the ups and downs.