Soli Deo Gloria

The day my sweet girl came home. We were told she hated to be held. Nothing was farther from the truth.

We've always said that at times it seems as though Hannah is "waking up". She will have a major spurt of development and usually it's accompanied by a personality change, hence the waking up... an alertness that wasn't there before. Within the past few weeks I noticed my girl laughing spontaneously for the first times... big 'ol belly laughs, language taking over, recalling and sharing information extremely quickly, and understanding a gigantic bunch of concepts.

The girls came into our lives with us not knowing what Hannah's future held. In all honesty our hopes weren't great (actually, Dane had great hopes and confidence in her). We've had many medical personnel share the same thoughts with us. One actually told me that all she had hoped for was for Hannah to recognize me and make contact. She has blown all of our mines... God has blown all our minds. 

For a long time, I've shared Hannah's story, in part because of anger and in part out of amazement for her growth. I think of Esther's story and Mordecai's statement to her that perhaps her entire life leading up to this moment and becoming queen was "for such a time as this." A time to be used by God. A time to bring rescue... salvation. A time for God to receive the glory.

I know with all my heart that God's will was not for my sweet daughters to be abused. I know that He wept. I know that He spared Hannah's life. I know He held her. I know He put a dear sister of mine in place to hold her and rock her and sing how Jesus loves her and pray over her as she sat alone in a hospital. I know He put another brother and sister in place to get a call on them, and pray for them and that they would be in a home where they would know Jesus. I know He spoke to our hearts and said adopt. I know that on the very day they came into custody He spoke to me and told me to trust . I know that God placed my daughters in our home. Mostly though, I know that God will bring Himself glory through their lives.

Many people say, "oh, you guys have done so much," or "oh, you're so wonderful," or "they are so blessed to be in your family." The truth is though that it's not about us. It's about Him. It's about the God of the whole universe who sent His Son for me. To change my life and my heart. To love me so that I could become His daughter. He has blessed me.

For me to pretend any of this is about us, is to steal His glory. He alone can restore in such miraculous ways. So with each new accomplishment I will praise the God who heals and be reminded of His incredible faithfulness.

Summit 9 Recap 1

I had the blessing of attending my first ever Summit the beginning of the month with one of my closest friends. Summit (9) is the work of Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO) and is held annually. With over 2500 people attending it was mind blowing to say the least. My mind is still swimming from all I saw. My heart is thoroughly broken. I hear from people who have gone on mission trips before that you come back completely changed and feeling completely like your entire life has to change. That's how I feel. The break out sessions were incredible and so informative, but the General Sessions and all the ministries represented were beyond inspirational. Inspirational actually sounds totally tacky... overwhelming is more like it.

I came away knowing that this isn't just the way God has called us to grow our family, but this is what God has called us to. Period. This is our family's calling. Dane and my calling. Our mission. For this life.

I plan on tackling a few different subjects over the next few weeks but for now I'll just give a few highlights.

Margaret Harawa- Where do I start? I spoke to this sweet sister briefly on my first day. The next day I heard her speak. The words she said beat through the walls of my heart. "It is never crowded at the cross. If Jesus is the center of my home there is always room." Oh, all the little things I can get bogged down with... if Jesus is the center... the center of my home even....oh yes, let it be so. Sister Margaret is one of those people who ooze Jesus. She is beautiful. Inward and out. Oh how I long to spend more time with her. To feel her love. To be more like her as she becomes more like Jesus.

Thoko Muchimba- This was a full on goosebump, ugly cry moment. This young woman from Zambia was orphaned at a young age and shared her story. One of her ways of affecting other orphans is singing to them. She had a dream to sing in front of many people. This is what happened:

Adeye and Friends- Adeye was one of the main reasons I wanted to attend Summit. Her and her husband Anthony's journey with their sweet Hasya has challenged Dane and I so much and left us in tears many times. Seeing her and her friends Carolyn Twietmeyer (Project Hopeful), Tesney Davis, and Lorraine Patterson share their stories in such raw honesty encouraged me as I parent two kiddos with special needs. As a sister of a woman with Down syndrome I was blessed to see so many couples considering special needs adoptions. Amazing.

The Forgotten Initiative- So excited to learn about this ministry and hopefully begin working with them!

Orphan Sunday- I was amazed learning about the small beginnings of OS in Zambia. It is amazing what God can do! I look forward to being a coordinator for our area this year.

Bishop WC Martin- I love, love, love this man. AMEN! His interview will be broadcasted at a later date on Family Life Today... you MUST listen to it. 

Michelle Bachmann- I am not a political person... but I fell in love with her.  She is a mom. Totally straight forward... take it or leave it. One of us!

So much more.... so many ministries... so much need.... It as so welcoming to feel like we were alone. Actually one of the days one of the speakers (maybe Peter?) commented about an ad campaign years ago that stated "With is a powerful thing." I totally felt that. To know that others got it. That we are not legalistic or pushy. That orphan care is not just for the few but for all of us. To be encouraged. To learn that there is so much more we need to know!

Mother India Review and Giveaway

India is the home to 31 million of the world's orphans. David Trotter and Shawn Scheinoha traveled there with the goal of telling the story of some of these orphans. Upon arrival at a train station in Tenali, India they found a family of 25 children living together under the guidance of a 20 year old orphan named Reddy. This documentary follows them and introduces us to their stories in their words. We see the reality of sex abuse, police brutality, substance abuse and HIV/AIDS that is part of these children daily lives. We watch as a 19 year old girl relays how she cuts herself to numb the pain of remembering her son who died. We go to the grave of a young man who died on the streets from a drug overdose. Somehow though these children have come together to take care of each other. Rebecca St. James opens the documentary with a quote from Mother Teresa, "I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody [to no one].” Despite their situation this group has found community, family, and love among each other.

Among the group are two young siblings, Polayya and Koteswarei, ages 3 and 7. Reddy hopes for them to find a home and not grow up on the streets. David and Shawn step in and contact Harvest India ( a local children's home and orphanage) to help. The documentary concludes as the group of 25 visit HI and make the decision whether to allow Polayya and Koteswarei to move there.


This 49 minute documentary is a first hand glimpse and the life 31 MILLION children are living. There stories are heart breaking. Unto One has been given a DVD to review as well as the opportunity for one person to win a copy. We'd love to hear from you, let us know you're reading our UNTO ONE blog by leaving a comment over at UntoOne.com. We will randomly pick one winner Sunday, April 28th to receive a copy. If you live locally please contact Jess to borrow the DVD. 

Please take a chance to watch this brief trailer.

The Privilege

Tuesday was a hard day for me. I felt yucky. I had to be on the road literally from 8am to 6pm bringing kids to appointments, schools, pick ups and finally sitting in my van with four Littles for 2 1/2 hours for baseball practice. On top of that chaos it was also a memorial of sorts for one of our girls. This week marks two years since the abuse she survived in her early months was discovered. It's easy to feel angry and think what if, but it serves no purpose. All we know is we have been amazed by the miracles God has performed in her life. She is a walking testimony to God's healing and provision.

As I was driving two hours to an appointment and listening to Jedd Medefind (head of Christian Alliance For Orphans) talking about Summit 9. I became overwhelmed by the reality that I'm attending this, and overwhelmed by the life that we are living. When we started this journey our only thought was of getting a baby. It has grown into so much more. Tears streamed down my face to realize that this ministry that we have been called to is such a privilege. There are days when it is so hard, times when it has ripped our hearts out, and moments when all we could do is hold our breath and know that God sees. BUT there have been more times than I can count that have made all those hard moments worth it. A smile on the face of a child who made no expressions, "mama", little hands holding mine, my teenage son falling in love with these little people, to know that He is pleased.

I can't even begin to imagine where this road will lead. I do know that our hearts have been ripped open for the cause of the orphan and we can never go back to who we were before.  

The One About Getting My Way

I am a schedule person. I like my routines. I like my lists. I like being in charge. A lot.
When my routine is challenged and things are feeling like they are spinning in chaos my first reaction is to organize more. However, I'm learning that sometimes you just need to step on to the roller coaster, buckle up, and hold on. The past week has been full of finding the balance of organization and just letting go. I'm realizing that with four kiddos under four chaos is unavoidable. I'm learning that I don't need to be every 15 minutes early. I can be on time... and quite frankly being early can be almost worse (although I am VERY thankful for our factory installed minivan DVD player.) I'm beginning to figure out new routines: bath times, dinner, bedtime, morning routines, and meal planning to name a few. I wish I could give you all kinds of great tips, but really it's pretty simple. Oh... and preschool is a God send. April vacation... not so much.

The things that I've really been thinking about a lot is the act of sacrifice and dying to myself. My flesh desires to be in control. After our adoption journey with the girls I became way better at letting go of the big things,  mainly because I had no choice. It's the little things though that I'm realizing God wants me to begin to let go of. He IS a God of order, however when my desire for order and things to go MY way cause me to go off on the ones around me and react in anger- well... that's sin. I am learning that I need to look at my family's hearts and realize that this is a change for all of us, and that just because things aren't happening the way I WANT doesn't mean that my family isn't trying.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:16-17)

It's easy to think I'm pretty awesome for serving my family and all that... but God looks at it and it's my heart and my spirit He's looking at. I want my offering to Him to be a sweet smelling one, to smell like like Jesus. I want to be broken for Him willing to do WHATEVER He desires of me and not let my preferences and "my way" get in the the way of "His way".

The Nitty Gritty

It's been a rough week. Not a bad week... but a rough week. This is one of those all out there posts, because quite frankly in parenting blogs, and adoption and foster care blogs especially sometimes I feel like there is a glossiness that is portrayed. Not that I believe in airing all my dirty laundry... quite literally why I don't have a clothesline... really no one needs to see my skivvies blowing in the wind. But I digress... last week we took in two more kiddos ages 2  (as of this week) and 4. So that brings our grand total at home to one 13 year old, one 4 year old, and THREE 2 year olds. "What's two more?" I said. "I've made it through twins!" I said. It will be like a little perfect preschool my mind said, picturing glistening wood floors and cozy reading corners. Montessori shelves with faceless Waldorf dolls and blocks... wood blocks. All the things that Pinterest says preschool parenting should look like... right? Well... it isn't. It's chaos. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself breaking down in tears at least once an hour day. And I'm hormonal. In the words of my 13 year old... "What were you thinking taking kids in when you're PMSing?!" Wise that one is.

And you, know I can't blame it on one child or the other. None of them are horrible. Well maybe one particular daughter of mine who has decided to fully launch into temper tantrums and use her new found potty skills as a way to escape the cell  living room playroom. What a threat: "Mom... I have to pee!!!!" Hidden two year old translation: "Mom..... I know I have just peed.... five times in ten minutes... but I may just need to pee again... or worse... and really, do you want to clean all that up?" It's like a toddler game of chicken that I'm doomed to repeat over and over and over....

I want to throw in the corner. I called one my best adoption mama yesterday. I can't do it. She reminded me of the stuff I knew. It's been a week. This is your ministry. You'd kick yourself later. Then the words of wisdom from a mom of nine... "Did you think adding a toddler and preschooler to the mix would be easy? Enjoyable? Pleasant?" I think I did, I got blinded by the pretty thoughts of how it would be. And darnit all, it's hard. It's draining. But I know that this is what our family is called to, this is our passion. So, I will plug a way, honestly it's the only fair thing to do. I'm not saying it's wrong to decide a kiddo(s) isn't a good fit.. we've done that too and don't regret it at all. But, I think a week (THE week) isn't fair to any of my kids. We need to adjust. There are growing pains, very real ones, and the lovely "Gotcha Day" videos don't show that. And I just needed to be real. Just in case you're struggling too.

This morning I read Psalm 19 and the following led to a big 'ol prayer written right there and dated (one of those stones we pile up).

The law of the Lord is perfect,

reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure,

making wise the simple;

the precepts of the Lord are right,

rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure,

enlightening the eyes;

the fear of the Lord is clean,

enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true,

and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold,

even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey

and drippings of the honeycomb.

Moreover, by them is your servant warned; 

in keeping them there is great reward.

The italic/bold sections are the parts that hit me. During this battle, during the chaos I need His words to guide me. To revive me, to give me joy, to enlighten my eyes and give me truth.

UPDATE- After posting the link to this post on FB and commenting that, " it just bugs me a little because you see all the happy happy sometimes, and then you feel like you're doing something wrong because it's not all roses and Steven Curtis Chapman song." My sweet friend Shannon posted this link to Jen Hatmaker's blog: After the Airport. I think she was at Summit last year, super hoping she's at it this year too... I have to laugh that I'm so stalkerish on all these adoption mamas, lol. OK... now back to the trenches, I'm sure there's a puddle of pee somewhere to clean up.

Recommended Adoption/Orphan Care Books

I'm not a huge reader, I was growing up and I do love a good book, however I tend to gobble up little bits (blogs, magazines, etc.) When I find a good book I just want to submerse myself in it and not do anything else, which with three kids at home and a husband is a little difficult. So this may not be the most comprehensive list... but I figure it's a good start for anyone looking.

1. The Bible.... what? The ultimate adoption story. I'll give two recommendations here.

 

First, the NKJK Woman's Study Bible... love, love, love this bible. So great for personal study. The helps are incredible and it is just so clearly put together. If you are new to the Bible, I totally recommend getting this and really digging in. 

Secondly, this is my new favorite. I love taking notes in my Bible AND I have a sudden obsession with Moleskine journals. So, this totally makes sense to me. The ESV Single Column Journaling Bible. If you follow the Amazon link you can click look inside and see the awesomeness of this. Oh, and I really like the translation. This is my first time with the ESV version and I am usually an NKJV girl. But this is the best of both worlds. It doesn't seem completely foreign to me like some modern translations do, but it does totally make some passages so much easier to digest. 

2. Orphanology: Awakening to Gospel-Centered Adoption and Orphan Care This has been one of my favorite books on adoption and orphan care. It breaks down many areas of orphan care and truly presents God's heart for it. It tackles international, domestic, foster care, creating an orphan care ministry, and how leadership should create a culture of adoption. Our adoption and orphan care ministry has a number of these books available to borrow if you are interested in reading it. 



3. Acres of Hope: The Miraculous Story of One Family's Gift of Love to Children  Without Hope The true story of a family that adopted eight special needs children on top of the seven biological children God had given them. Truly inspiring and made me fully see adoption and orphan care as a mission that God has called our family to not just a way to add a child.

4.Another Place at the Table While not a Christian book this is a great realistic account of what it's like doing foster care. She touches on a number of topics you don't always here about. I guess the word that just keeps coming to mind is real. A great read.


5. God Found Us You (Harperblessings) This is one of our favorite books to read with the girls and get the picture of adoption in their head and how badly we longed for them. The only part I will caution is about is that little fox asks why he couldn't stay with his birth mom and Momma Fox says that she (b-mom) must have had her reasons and that she's sure she prayed for her as much as she (Momma Fox) prayed for her. For now I skip over or augment that part. Without a doubt, while we were waiting I prayed so much (and even blogged about it) for our birth mom. I don't believe that was without reason. However, the wording of the book certainly lends itself more to a birth mom relinquishment or international adoption, not necessarily foster adoption. Never the less... it's an incredible book and one to add to your library. **Note--- make sure you have tissues, I cry each time. *** The same author also has some other books we love: God Gave Us Christmas and  God Gave Us Easter.

6. Just in Case You Ever Wonder I love this book. I've had the copy we use since M was little (and he's 13 now). I held on to it because I loved it and always trusted that one day we would need it. While it's not specifically adoption related the words ring true for all children and the wording isn't specific to children born into a family. For example: " And since you are so special, go wanted to put you in just the right home... where you would be warm when it's cold, where you'd be safe when you're afraid, where you'd have fun and learn about heaven. After lots of looking, God sent you to me. And I'm so glad He did." A classic for generations to come.

7. My Family, My Journey: A Baby Book for Adoptive Families This is the baby book we have for each of the twins. It was given to me at our baby shower for "Baby Z". It sat for the longest time unwritten in because I was so scared that it would only serve as a sad reminder if we lost the girls. I remember the day I ordered a second one and so gingerly wrote their names in them. Beautiful book and I love that it is specific to adoption.

So, here's just a starter list. I'm sure there will be more as time goes by and I'll update. I'd love to hear any recommendations you have as well in the comments!