He Is With Us...

I'm writing this post not so much because I want to, but rather because in faith I need to. I know that someday I will look back and this post I probably will have forgotten the details. I'll look back knowing the everything worked out just right, and being able to see the hand of God in every detail of this adoption. Right now though, I am wrestling with fretting, and fear, and disappointment. I've been so excited as we are ready to submit our home study and our profile (for birthmom's to look at) and I just found out that we may need to be fingerprinted before we can proceed, AND that there is a significant wait for that. I've already been wrestling with fears of being disappointed after a rude and tactless comment was made to me a few days ago. This just was the last thing I needed to here. Last night I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I know for those of you just watching the adoption part of our story you think we've only been waiting for a few months. However, we've been waiting for a baby for years and this just seems like one more no (I know it's not... but it feels that way.)

So after taking a shower... and sobbing... I stepped out of the shower and read a quote I had wrote on our chalkboard wall:

To want to serve God in some conditions, but not others, is to serve Him in your own way. But to put no limits on your submission to God is truly dying to yourself. This is how to worship God. Open yourself to God without measure. Let His life flow through you like a torrent. Fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself.  (Dangerous Surrender – Quote Francois Fenelon.)

I read it at My Crazy Adoption a month or so ago, and loved it. The end of it struck me last night... I can't just pull out my submitting to God's will because I don't like what's happening. I have to surrender to what He wants to do. The end of the quote is truly incredible : fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself. It was just the reminder I needed.

When I went up to bed I remembered the verse the Lord had gave me at the beginning of this journey. I held to it, but hated it because it pointed to troubles along the way, and quite frankly I don't want to think about that. I want to believe this adoption will be straight out of a Hallmark commercial. The verse? Isaiah 43:2:

When you pass through the waters, I [will be] with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. 

I decide to keep reading:

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will gather you and your children from east and west. I will say to the north and south, "Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel from the distant corners of the earth.

So obviously there is the context of God speaking to Israel, but hello?! They are the nation that wasn't. If God could bring them together, I have no doubt He will bring our family together. So for now, it looks like we are headed to New Hampshire to get digital fingerprints and then submit them to the FBI. Please, please, please be praying that this goes smoothly and that the FBI would process everything in a timely manner. And please, pray for my heart. I know God has already written this story, but it's easy to become inpatient and so fragile and sensitive to negativity. God's timing is perfect, and I know He will work this out and this will all be a reflection of His glory.

And to the future me, when you reread this while holding your sweet baby, remember His faithfulness.


Update: Praise God! We won't need fingerprinting after all. This whole thing makes me frustrated with myself and my lack of faith. I truly pray that I would keep my focus on God through this whole thing, and not get caught up in the ups and downs. 

Home Study Update

We received our home study to look over and approve! Final home study check for $942.74 sent out today. Praise God! Total spend to date for adoption costs is $3000 and God has provided every penny.

Our Home Study, Part 2

Praise God! Just wanted to update everyone on where we are. The beginning of the week we mailed in our formal application and a check for $1095 to AAI. I was able to email with our caseworker yesterday and get some "homework" to get started on. The past couple of weeks I've also been working on creating our profile that gets submitted to birth parents -talk about difficult. There's such a temptation to think that the words and pictures you craft have to be perfect. I've come to the truth though that regardless of what is in that four page portfolio God knows who are child is. It truly takes the pressure off... mostly.

Probably the most exciting hurdle was removed about 45 minutes ago though. We had our final home study meeting this morning at our home. We knew the first meeting had gone well, but still I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  We were told once again we were all set, and here's the best part.... we should have our report by the end of the month! We went into this adoption being most nervous about the home study process, but we have been so blessed to work with an incredible sister in Christ from St. Andre's in Biddeford. If you need a home study done Nancy is one of a kind and such an encouragement and blessing to work with.

So that's where we're at. It feels like we're moving along quickly and the Lord just keeps opening doors. Next up is getting everything together for AAI, and our profile finished. We are praying that by this time next month everything will be submitted and the true wait will begin.

For now we have a couple of prayer requests for you to consider:

• Pray for the Lord's guidance in this entire process.
• Pray for our baby's mother, for her pregnancy, her health, her emotions, and most importantly her walk with the Lord.
• We will be having a fundraising yard sale on May 14th. Please pray for donated items to sell, for good weather, and that the whole day would be blessed.
• Finances.... the Lord has provided and we know He will continue to. 
• Timing... we our told in Hebrews 4:16: "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." So in boldness (and honestly, with timidity) we are praying that God would do the impossible and that we would adopt before the end of June. As it stands right now to receive the Adoption Tax Credit we need to have our adoption finalized by the end of 2011. It takes six months for an adoption to be finalized, so with that in mind to guarantee that we would be eligible for the credit we need to adopt by the end of June. If this isn't the Lord's will, we pray that the ATC would be renewed for 2012. 
• Pray for focus for me. It's going to be a busy few months with the adoption and the graduation of our daughter (YAY KAHLI!). Pray that I would keep my focus on the Lord and serving Him, and waiting on Him. That I wouldn't become overwhelmed or stressed out trying to do things in my own strength.

While I'm Waiting

Just an update we are scheduled for the first of two home study interviews this weekend. So excited to be completing one more step. I was watching a few Gotcha Day videos on youtube this evening and one of them used a song I had forgotten about. I first heard this song after Dane's V-Reversal and was challenged by it, and reminded that my first priority is to serve God. No matter what I'm hoping or waiting for, I have calling (and you do too) that I need to be fulfilling. I hope this song blesses you whatever it may be you're waiting for.

While I'm Waiting-- John Waller


I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Lead Me

Dropping the kids off this morning the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real came on and it just gelled with my heart this morning. I woke up the same way I do each morning, with my husband coming into our bedroom and asking if I'm going to get up this morning. But unlike every morning he got back in bed and laid there and chatted for a while. It was a great talk, one of those talks I'll always remember.

I am so thankful for my husband and for the man he is. He is so different now than he was when we met 14 years ago. God has truly transformed him. And me. I am so thankful that Dane leads our family. That he leads me. There are times when I hate it, and I want to be the leader and have MY way. However, there are so many times I am so thankful that it's not up to me, that Dane is the one who gets to make the decisions. I'm not a super emotional person, but like most ladies I think I tend to go more by me feelings. My husband, while not completely bullheaded and rogue tends to go more by logic. I am thankful for that, especially during the times when I simply want to react. 

Just about a year ago we began having a problem with one of our dogs. She suddenly began viciously attacking our other dog. The one attacking, Bella,  was the younger of the two and had always grown up w/ Maizie so this new behavior was completely unexplainable. We kept them separated for over two months and had Bella set up for obedience training. Then one night Max accidentally let them together and a dog fight broke out. My incredible son got in the middle of it and rescued Maizie while taking a number of (shallow) bites to his arm. I knew at that moment that we needed to have Bella put down, but I hated to do it. At this point in the story you would expect the next sentence to read: enter Dane. However, Dane was thousands of miles away in Honduras. I was able to get a hold of him for about 30 seconds and explain the situation and he said yes, have her put down. That was the end of the conversation. The next day I fretted and doubted the decision. I questioned whether Dane knew all the facts and if there was something different we could do. Then finally the Lord whispered to me one of the most important things I have had to learn as a wife. My Heavenly Father reminded me that I don't need to give Dane all the facts, and I don't need to have Dane explain everything to me. Why? Because Dane has already gone to God for wisdom. I know that my husband seeks the Lord every single morning. He gets up at such an insanely early hour to spend time reading the Bible and praying for so many that he loves. I know that my husband hears from God and is led by Him, and I love that. 

When we were first saved I knew the need for Dane to lead and to hear from God, but I hated it and therefore treated it like a little brat. I remember saying to him one time, "fine, I'll do it but if you mess up God's gonna judge you for it!" What a rotten brat I was! I used the fact that God has commanded Dane to follow Him and His son's example and lead us as a threat against him. Rather than seeing that the heaviness and the weight that it placed on my husband's shoulders to lead us, and to love us the same way Christ loves the church. As much as I'd like to sugar coat it, I'm sure I'm not always the most lovable gal around, but he does it. 

He loves me, he loves our children, and he leads us because he allows God to lead him. 

Lead Me-- Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

The Calm...

Slow going... it feels like we are in limbo right now with so many things pulling for attention. We're moving forward, but with things that seem unrelated. Right now we're waiting for the home study to begin. All of our paperwork is in, but our caseworker is finishing up with some other clients right now. So in the meantime, I'm getting our home in tip top shape with some spring cleaning, purging stuff and putting it in our yard sale pile, and they to make it all just a little bit more fun some redecorating/painting. We are looking at some busy months coming up, and not simply because of the adoption. One of the thing we get to look forward to is the graduation of Kahli! How can it be that!? I am so proud of her and amazed by how quickly time has gone by. So that's what's going on now... we are waiting, and doing the things we can and need to do. In a way I feel like we're in the calm before the storm (and I don't mean storm as in bad, but storm of business rather), so I'm just working doing what I can and trusting God with the rest. Our hope is that we will hear from our home study case worker within the next week or two. Please be praying that everything moves along in a timely fashion and that the Lord would prepare our hearts for whatever comes.

My Happy Song

I love, love, love this song. It just makes me giddy.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet