I Cry Abba....

Ye have not received the spirit of bondage again unto fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry Abba, Father. Romans 8:15


Father, I'm trusting You now as I glimpse just a taste of the pain it cost you to adopt me, to ransom me from my sin. Even now, as I slip into the fear that the enemy seeks to put in my heart, I will remember You. I will cling to You and the promises You have given me. I know Your heart, You are my Father, I know Your will. I know Your love for me and for Your children. I will trust You, and even if when I can't find the strength to trust, I will obey. For the joy set before Him, Jesus endured the cross. Oh Father, help me to endure, help me to surrender to Your will.  Lord, keep Satan at bay... surround us with Your angels. I love You Lord. I love you Abba. 

The Ache

The past few days I have ached. Not a physical ache, but rather a deep gut ache. An aching from knowing there is a missing piece. An ache to meet our precious baby. Don't confuse the ache was anxiousness or impatience. I know that God's timing is perfect and that He will and has directed every step of this. It's the ache of an expectant mom, it's the same feeling I felt with Kahl and Max; dreaming about them, wondering what they'll look like, be like. 


The ache goes farther lately though. It's an ache that demands a response. My mind keeps going to all the other orphans out there. I think about them. I wonder about the road that God has planned for us. We know without a shadow of a doubt that this adoption isn't the destination, it's the beginning. This morning I have been thinking about what I am willing to give up. What dreams, what rights, what possessions, what mindsets I am willing to shatter. In as much as I wonder what Z will be like, I have to wonder where this journey takes us. Is it ministering to women who are dealing with unexpected pregnancies? Will it mean a foreign land? The thought makes me shutter in fear and anticipation. And it brings me back to the question again, what would I be willing to give up. 


I know so many don't understand. I know family member's don't understand this. They look at our lives and see the things we "don't have," I see the things we "do have." I see the things that are so important to us: faith, family, friends. I see an abundance, not a lack. I know that their concern comes from love, but I think in the same way our boldness in following God comes from knowing His love, and knowing His love is even greater for us than theirs. I don't think of this adoption as being a huge leap of faith, well not until I see the financial obligation breakdown; I just think of it as following each step that the Lord brings to us. Even as a type this I'm watching a report on families who have invested in the housing market for financial security... how'd that pan out. These people have incredible homes that they can't afford and that are going to lose everything.  I think of the verse in Psalms 20:7: Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Our trust is in God, that He knows the beginning from the end. We know He knows our hearts. It amazes me that some people want us to disobey that for security. The funny thing is, it's the "safety net" of security in such a prosperous country that has put almost an ignorance to accomplishing God's will in our hearts. The "American Dream" has somehow replaced walking in faith. Is there room for God's will in my "dream"? My "life plan"? My "retirement plan"? I ask these questions of myself and of you. What will I give up? What am I willing to give up to follow Christ? Would I be willing to sell it all? Give it all away?  


The ache. The ache for our baby. The ache for the journey. The ache to see what the Lord has for us.  


EVERYDAY ETERNITY from Take No Glory

I’m not going anywhere
Unless You lead the way.
I’m not living tomorrow
Unless You plan my day.
I’m not really breathing
Unless You breathe through me.
I’m not living for anything
If it’s not for eternity.

Help me live everyday
Fixed on eternity.
Help me keep pressing on
For the crown of victory

You Alone

What I feel:

Fear

Doubt

Anxiety

What I know: 

For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you or forsake you.." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:5-6)

Those who trust in the Lord 

Are a strong mountain 

They will not…not be moved 

Those who trust in the Lord 

Are as Mount Zion 

They will not…not be moved 

Christ the King, He sets my feet 

On a firm foundation 

They will not…not be moved 

Though the world moves like mad 

You alone are faithful 

Jesus, you, you will not be changed

And with that our profiles are off to Michigan. ---- UPDATE: So, I totally cheated and wrote this out this morning before going to the post office. In typical God fashion, He had a surprise for me. I had planned on having the postmaster take a pic of me w/ our profile package. So when I walked in and saw that our regular PM wasn't there I felt slightly foolish lugging my camera with me. I almost kept my mouth shut, but then told her I had a weird request and held up my camera. I told her we were adopting and that this package held our profiles that birthmom's would look at and would she mind taking a picture of me. Her response? I'd love too! I'm adopted!

Goosebumps... really God?! Thank You... thank You for surprising me once again with Your love, mercy, and constant encouragement. So with that I'll once again say... our profiles are off to Michigan. Sealed with love and every ounce of hope and faith that is within our bodies. 

He Is With Us...

I'm writing this post not so much because I want to, but rather because in faith I need to. I know that someday I will look back and this post I probably will have forgotten the details. I'll look back knowing the everything worked out just right, and being able to see the hand of God in every detail of this adoption. Right now though, I am wrestling with fretting, and fear, and disappointment. I've been so excited as we are ready to submit our home study and our profile (for birthmom's to look at) and I just found out that we may need to be fingerprinted before we can proceed, AND that there is a significant wait for that. I've already been wrestling with fears of being disappointed after a rude and tactless comment was made to me a few days ago. This just was the last thing I needed to here. Last night I felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. I know for those of you just watching the adoption part of our story you think we've only been waiting for a few months. However, we've been waiting for a baby for years and this just seems like one more no (I know it's not... but it feels that way.)

So after taking a shower... and sobbing... I stepped out of the shower and read a quote I had wrote on our chalkboard wall:

To want to serve God in some conditions, but not others, is to serve Him in your own way. But to put no limits on your submission to God is truly dying to yourself. This is how to worship God. Open yourself to God without measure. Let His life flow through you like a torrent. Fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself.  (Dangerous Surrender – Quote Francois Fenelon.)

I read it at My Crazy Adoption a month or so ago, and loved it. The end of it struck me last night... I can't just pull out my submitting to God's will because I don't like what's happening. I have to surrender to what He wants to do. The end of the quote is truly incredible : fear NOTHING on the road you are walking. God will lead you by the hand. Let your love for Him cast out the fear you feel for yourself. It was just the reminder I needed.

When I went up to bed I remembered the verse the Lord had gave me at the beginning of this journey. I held to it, but hated it because it pointed to troubles along the way, and quite frankly I don't want to think about that. I want to believe this adoption will be straight out of a Hallmark commercial. The verse? Isaiah 43:2:

When you pass through the waters, I [will be] with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. 

I decide to keep reading:

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will gather you and your children from east and west. I will say to the north and south, "Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel from the distant corners of the earth.

So obviously there is the context of God speaking to Israel, but hello?! They are the nation that wasn't. If God could bring them together, I have no doubt He will bring our family together. So for now, it looks like we are headed to New Hampshire to get digital fingerprints and then submit them to the FBI. Please, please, please be praying that this goes smoothly and that the FBI would process everything in a timely manner. And please, pray for my heart. I know God has already written this story, but it's easy to become inpatient and so fragile and sensitive to negativity. God's timing is perfect, and I know He will work this out and this will all be a reflection of His glory.

And to the future me, when you reread this while holding your sweet baby, remember His faithfulness.


Update: Praise God! We won't need fingerprinting after all. This whole thing makes me frustrated with myself and my lack of faith. I truly pray that I would keep my focus on God through this whole thing, and not get caught up in the ups and downs. 

Lead Me

Dropping the kids off this morning the song Lead Me by Sanctus Real came on and it just gelled with my heart this morning. I woke up the same way I do each morning, with my husband coming into our bedroom and asking if I'm going to get up this morning. But unlike every morning he got back in bed and laid there and chatted for a while. It was a great talk, one of those talks I'll always remember.

I am so thankful for my husband and for the man he is. He is so different now than he was when we met 14 years ago. God has truly transformed him. And me. I am so thankful that Dane leads our family. That he leads me. There are times when I hate it, and I want to be the leader and have MY way. However, there are so many times I am so thankful that it's not up to me, that Dane is the one who gets to make the decisions. I'm not a super emotional person, but like most ladies I think I tend to go more by me feelings. My husband, while not completely bullheaded and rogue tends to go more by logic. I am thankful for that, especially during the times when I simply want to react. 

Just about a year ago we began having a problem with one of our dogs. She suddenly began viciously attacking our other dog. The one attacking, Bella,  was the younger of the two and had always grown up w/ Maizie so this new behavior was completely unexplainable. We kept them separated for over two months and had Bella set up for obedience training. Then one night Max accidentally let them together and a dog fight broke out. My incredible son got in the middle of it and rescued Maizie while taking a number of (shallow) bites to his arm. I knew at that moment that we needed to have Bella put down, but I hated to do it. At this point in the story you would expect the next sentence to read: enter Dane. However, Dane was thousands of miles away in Honduras. I was able to get a hold of him for about 30 seconds and explain the situation and he said yes, have her put down. That was the end of the conversation. The next day I fretted and doubted the decision. I questioned whether Dane knew all the facts and if there was something different we could do. Then finally the Lord whispered to me one of the most important things I have had to learn as a wife. My Heavenly Father reminded me that I don't need to give Dane all the facts, and I don't need to have Dane explain everything to me. Why? Because Dane has already gone to God for wisdom. I know that my husband seeks the Lord every single morning. He gets up at such an insanely early hour to spend time reading the Bible and praying for so many that he loves. I know that my husband hears from God and is led by Him, and I love that. 

When we were first saved I knew the need for Dane to lead and to hear from God, but I hated it and therefore treated it like a little brat. I remember saying to him one time, "fine, I'll do it but if you mess up God's gonna judge you for it!" What a rotten brat I was! I used the fact that God has commanded Dane to follow Him and His son's example and lead us as a threat against him. Rather than seeing that the heaviness and the weight that it placed on my husband's shoulders to lead us, and to love us the same way Christ loves the church. As much as I'd like to sugar coat it, I'm sure I'm not always the most lovable gal around, but he does it. 

He loves me, he loves our children, and he leads us because he allows God to lead him. 

Lead Me-- Sanctus Real

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Eyes On The Prize

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:14

I am an all or nothing type of girl. I set my mind on something and I'm obsessed. That becomes my top priority. A few days ago I posted a link on Facebook to a blog guest blog post over at My Crazy Adoption. In a nutshell it warns against letting adoption/orphan care become our idol. Our women's bible study is working our way through Philippians, and this week we were in chapter 3, verses 12-end. It made me think of this article. My focus has been on adoption so much lately and getting things ready that I admittedly have let certain things go. There is even a temptation to not want to serve in ministry because "I need to be focussed on the adoption." This journey isn't a replacement for everything else God has planned and is doing in our family. It's not a spiritual etch-a-sketch that I can shake clean to draw a new picture.

My focus in this journey, and always needs to be on Christ. Paul uses the phrase "press on" in describing our walk as Christians. To press on shows effort and struggle. It's a choice. I think about exercise, once the burn begins I can press on through the pain for the satisfaction of the results, OR I can step off the treadmill. The same way in our walk, we can press on through the struggles, and yes through the pain or we can step off: we can remain stagnant and just stop moving forward. I want to press on! I want to see all that the Lord has for me! I want to see my savior face to face! I want to hear my Creator say "well done good and faithful servant!" One of my favorite quotes from the post is this one:

Our adoption journeys/orphan ministries are walks to which Jesus invites us for the growing of our own once-orphaned-hearts; a journey to give us a better bond and healthier attachment to our Savior, our Redeemer, our adoptive Father and Friend. You see, when Paul said, “run the race as to win the prize” he wasn’t talking about an orphan. He was talking about Jesus. Jesus is the prize. Run the race with both eyes set on him. Follow him and you will run the race well.

And that is the point: following Christ keeping our eyes on him not matter what leg of the race we're on. And just to clarify, this doesn't just go for those of us on the adoption journey. We can put so many things in the place of God: our family, our jobs, even ministry!  I pray that you really take the chance to read Cindy's post, I know you will be blessed.

Battling the Whys

Recently a good friend shared our story and shared how hard it was for him to see families so desperately wanting a child or more children, while watching others choose to abort their babies, or simply "undeserving" (my word) to be parents. He shared how the Lord answered him through our adoption plan; that God said no, because otherwise we may not be adopting the baby that we are. It is a question I've wrestled with countless times over the past eleven years.

Why?

Why not us?

Why them?

Why, Lord, why?

I don't know if there's a clear cut answer why. 

Why do I have to feed the dog again?

Why do I have to hang my clothes up?

Why ? Why? Why?

Because I say so that's why. Why? Because I am your mother and I know what's best for you.  Why? Because I am the one who will stand before God and give an account. Why? Because I said so and you just need to trust me. 

For me it's been much wiser not to delve into the why's when it comes to God. Quite simply because it is impossible and illogical for me to stand there shaking my fist at the God who sees the past, present, and future and demand a reason for why I am not getting what I want now. I think of the times I have tried to surprise my children, and while heading to the surprise they complain the whole time. I just want to scream, and truth be told I have:  "I'm trying to surprise you but you just ruined the whole stupid thing because you just won't be quiet and stop complaining. Do you ever stop to think that I have a plan, and that maybe I'm trying to bless you?!" In the same way, I know God has a perfect plan for me and for our family, yet I can complain the whole time because I don't like how things seem right now. 

Not to say that we should skip through life simply because we know all things will work together (Romans 8:28), but in a way we should. We know the story, we know the ending. But the fact is just as Solomon wrote there is a time to laugh and a time cry, even a time to mourn. Suffering and sadness is part of this life, although it was never a part of God's plan for us. One thing that's been mentioned to me recently by my husband and a close friend is that God never made us to suffer or to know loss. We weren't created with death in mind, we were created to live in the absence the sin and in the presence and in communion with God. Certainly not what the  live that we live on this side of eternity. 

So how do we reconcile the whys? For me, it's simply trusting and holding fast to God's promises to me. There are promises I know He has spoken directly to me, and there are promises in His word that I cling to. And the other part is taking our my thoughts captive. 2 Corinthians 10 says:

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. 

I have truly had to practice this verse so much, especially after having our vasectomy reversal, and completely expecting an immediate pregnancy. When I take questioning why to the point of questioning God's sovereignty I've gone to far. I think asking why is normal, but really moving to the point of questioning God's love for us and whether he really knows what is best is going too far. God's word is true, His promises are sure, and His knowledge is beyond measure. When Paul writes, "every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God," I am reminded once again that knowing God has to be my top priority (see Philippians 2), because that will help my entire world view be clear. To question God's sovereignty is to deny who I know God is, so therefore I need bring each one of those thoughts into captivity (as I once said tie them up in a bundle and bring them to Christ, don't spread 'em all out on the kitchen table, lol.)

It's hard not to question why, especially when it's about the big things. Why can't I get pregnant? Why has my child pass away? Why am I having to battle cancer? Why God? But that's when we need to know God's Word more than ever, we need to bathe in His promises and in the knowledge of who He is. We need to practice the discipline of being in control of our thoughts, and not allowing our thoughts and emotions to lead us in to the dark place. God is so much bigger than our current situation, any of our current situations. Jesus conquered the grave, is anything to hard for Him? In closing, one of my favorite quotes that always puts things into perspective for me is, "His past faithfulness demands my present trust." Hindsight is 20/20, and in it I see all the times I have questioned and fretted not being able to see where I stand now.

If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. 2 Timothy 2:13

Because He Is... I will.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

He is God, the Creator of all. The One who holds the universe together. The One who holds me together. The One who will weave our baby together.

I will trust Him when I can not see the path before me. In the darkness He will be my guide. As I grope to find the next step, my hand will reach for His. Because He is. I will.