Those who know me, know that I have been an emotional wreck the past week or so. There is so much going on in our lives that I guess I just don't know how to process it all. We are adopting... duh... just in case that wasn't obvious. Our daughter is graduating from high school. Our niece is also graduating from high school (1,350 miles away.) Our dear friends are holding a baby shower for us this weekend. The last two events are wonderful things, however met with a bittersweet edge. You see I will not be able to attend my niece's graduation, and her mom (my bestest friend... and sister-in-law) will not be able to make it to my baby shower. While I'm so happy about both events, my heart so deeply weeps that there are missing pieces to both. I think beyond just the missing, there are so many emotions due to the fact that we have been best friends since Gab (my niece) and Kahli were itty-bitties. We've been through so much, and it is so weird to be at the end of a chapter together (but separate.)
And that leads to my next wave of emotion... how quickly the past 17 years have passed. How did it happen? Where did time go? Being a young mom makes it even more weird to me. Kahli is the age I was when I had her. I can't put it in to words, but it's such a weird feeling to hit this mark. She has been with me for half my life. Her life has gone by so quickly, and it makes me realize how very young I was when I had her. I guess in my emotional state I've been thinking a lot about that lately too. Getting older... not in a oh my word I'm so old way. But in a way that it amazes me how quickly this life zooms by. There are so many moments that we think we'll hold on to forever, but time goes by and they're gone. A friend shared a quote with me last night from Ann Voskamp that resonates with me today as we come to a crossroad of journeys ending and journeys beginning: the only way to stop time is to be present in it. And it's true, I can't redo yesterday, and worrying/planning/thinking about tomorrow is fruitless. Right now, this is all I have. This moment to live in. To hold, To cherish.
Like most of my ramblings I have no idea if this makes sense. Maybe it's just that I needed to get it all out. I feel like the past few years have been such a new chapter in our lives, so many changes, and maybe they are all just catching up to me now.
They're good changes... wonderful changes... but sometimes I just wish I could go back: to snuggling my little girl, lunch dates at Olive Garden.... just for a moment. It makes me think of the song, You're Gonna Miss This.... we're always in such a rush for tomorrow, but one day, I'm going to miss this very moment too.
On a whim I checked the tracking on our profiles even though I didn't expect them to make it to Michigan til the end of the week. SURPRISE!!! They were delivered to our agency at 11:07 this morning.
For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you or forsake you.." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:5-6)
Those who trust in the Lord
Are a strong mountain
They will not…not be moved
Those who trust in the Lord
Are as Mount Zion
They will not…not be moved
Christ the King, He sets my feet
On a firm foundation
They will not…not be moved
Though the world moves like mad
You alone are faithful
Jesus, you, you will not be changed
And with that our profiles are off to Michigan. ---- UPDATE: So, I totally cheated and wrote this out this morning before going to the post office. In typical God fashion, He had a surprise for me. I had planned on having the postmaster take a pic of me w/ our profile package. So when I walked in and saw that our regular PM wasn't there I felt slightly foolish lugging my camera with me. I almost kept my mouth shut, but then told her I had a weird request and held up my camera. I told her we were adopting and that this package held our profiles that birthmom's would look at and would she mind taking a picture of me. Her response? I'd love too! I'm adopted!
Goosebumps... really God?! Thank You... thank You for surprising me once again with Your love, mercy, and constant encouragement. So with that I'll once again say... our profiles are off to Michigan. Sealed with love and every ounce of hope and faith that is within our bodies.
Today I've been finishing the final bits of our paperwork and profile. Tomorrow, Lord willing, everything will begin making it's way to Michigan. My stomach churns at the thought. The act of letting go and putting all or hopes into a box and sending it off to begin the official wait is well... gut wrenching.
Don't get me wrong I'm so excited, but there is still that part of me that won't believe it until we have our little boy or girl in our arms. I still wait to hear the punchline, the caveat, the we're sorry but... I know though, that the Lord has offered up confirmation after confirmation. He has provided provision after provision. He has spoke to our hearts.
The feeling isn't even one of anxiousness, it's more of letting go and simply waiting. Be still and know that I am God... I hear Him whispering to me. So as I attach each photo to our profiles, I say a prayer; for God's will, for our baby, our mama, and for every selfless woman who looks at our profile and makes an incredible difficult choice.
Somehow, it feels like we're packaging up years worth of hopes and tears praying that in the end they will have all been worth it. Lord, bless this journey, keep us in Your will.
We had our yard sale to help raise money for our adoption this weekend. We had so many incredible people donate items, and God once again showed that He would provide.
We were so crazy busy that I was unable to take all the photos I had hoped to, but here are a few. At the end of the day we were blown away when we counted up the money.
